I’ve never known such certainty as you,
when you pulled into the spot where you meant
to die.
— Patricia Colleen Murphy, from “Cutlass Ciera,” Hemming Flames
122517; my fatxy
J,
How do I start this.
It’s never the same, love. I mean, I couldn’t trust you fully anymore. I just don’t show it but sometimes I get really paranoid. I’m sorry. I don’t want to be unfair to you. I can’t stay with you and not trust you. I’m so sorry. You deserve trust, love. I’m sorry. You deserve a love that is so powerful that not a single mistake will change everything. I’m sorry that it’s not me. I’m really sorry. I meant every single thing I told you. I meant every poetry. But I guess cheating is something I can never tolerate. I’m really sorry, Jed. I’m so sorry. I tried to give it another shot but I can’t talk to you and not remember how you lied to me. I don’t know what’s real anymore. Totoong minahal kita. But love isn’t always enough. I’m sorry that my love for you isn’t strong enough to make me trust you again. I’m sorry that I am not strong enough to risk. You are something else, love. It’s just wasn’t me that you were right about. Someone will come along. Someone will eventually find you. Don’t be sad, okay? I’m sure someone will come along and she will love you with a love so strong and so full, you two will be indestructible. I wish that for you. I love you, J. I don’t want to do this but I want to be fair. You deserve a love full of trust. I can’t give you that anymore. I’m sorry.
Love always,
Your bwitch ✨
my head is too full of you and your lips and what it felt like to be yours. sometimes my bed feels too empty. i never had that before i met you and i hate you for taking these sheets from me. before i knew you alone was happy. losing you changed everything. nothing i used to like feels the same. i’m angry.
i’m trying not to miss you, but then everything i do is still about you even when it’s not about you. i told myself that the toothpaste only reminds me of you until i get a new flavor. i held myself underwater. even showers have you hidden in them. i think of how your music sounded through my bathroom door while you sang along, how it felt on those lazy days we did nothing but barely get dressed and watch movies. we ate a lot of ramen but it felt like we were professional chefs. everything is better when it’s full of laughter. i’m telling myself i’ll get that back. i’m telling myself to stop obsessing. i tell myself to buy new toothpaste. i somehow never seem to remember.
the small mistake was letting you in. it’s not a good place to be. i don’t let people get close to me. i don’t let them love me. it’s like if someone ever felt like i mattered it would be too much. i’d swallow them whole with need.
i’m not writing a poem about you but kissing you made me forget how much the world hurts. i mean it’s okay though right. sometimes girls get like this, like our insides turn fairy white. i’m not writing you a poem but i want to make you flower crowns and talk to you about why grass is so green and spill things on your carpet because i’m too busy laughing. i’m saying i’m keeping busy pretending. i’m not saying i almost always think about you but sometimes i find myself smiling. i’m not saying you’re magic but i get lighter around you. how cheesy is that. i’m not writing you a poem but i want to bury myself in the nights we’re both brave enough. i’m not writing about you but yesterday i saw the sky and she was hungry blue and i really miss being able to hold you.
inkskinned